"Most of the troubles of humanity are imaginary and should be laughed out of court.  It is folly to cross a bridge until you come to it, or to bid the Devil good morning until you meet him - perfect folly.  All is well until the stroke falls, and even then, nine times out of ten, it is not as bad as anticipated.  A wise man is the confirmed optimist." -Andrew Carnegie

"Even if you're on the right track you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers

"In every triumph there's a lot of try." - Frank Tyger

"Your greatness is measured by your kindness.  Your education and intellect by your modesty.  Your ignorance is betrayed by your suspicions and prejudices.  Your real caliber is measuerd by the consideration and tolerance you have for others." - William J. J. Boetcker

Coming down off a slight buzzzzzzz.  Sitting here in my office after dinner with a girl I haven't spoken to, or laid eyes upon since almost 3 years ago to the day.  Crazy.  Catching up on what has happened in our lives, having a few drinks.  The familiar gaze, the familiar sound, memories flooding back. 

She ordered soup, a salad, and a mojito.  I ordered enchiladas, and a beer.  We talked about what we have been doing here in the city, between sips of alcohol.  Wondering how we crossed paths again, who she's dated, who I've dated.  Why things didn't work out for either of us. 

She's pretty serious about the newest guy in her life, or so she says.  Something was different in how she brought him up though, the way she spoke about him.  Something I can't quite put my finger on.  Not so much a "I'm totally smitten with him" type of thing, as had been the case for guys in the past.  No, this time it was "He's safe and won't hurt me" type of thing.  Her description lacked a certain luster to it.  Something was missing, and she knew it but didn't want to admit it.  She felt safe.  And maybe that is what she needs. 

As our conversation moved forward from past relationships to what mutual friends have been up to, her gentleman caller arrived.  At first walking across the street, up to window where we both sat, and then awkwardly rotating 180 degrees as he realized the enterance was on the other side. 

As he entered and she realized, the mood changed slightly.  They were going to a movie at 7:30 ... it was 6:30.  Conversation stops as he makes his way to the table.  I stand, introduce myself, we shake hands, they smooch hello.  No other words were spoken, as for a few seconds we all contemplate the new arrangments.  As he stand next to our table for two, I motion for him to pull up a chair from the next table over. 

So quick for her tone to change, almost as if to reassure the suiter of her simple intentions to catch up on lost time.  He's the jealous type, much like her.  I don't bite on the tone, no need to respond with equal amounts of mild disdain, or sarcasm.  I used to in the past.

After a while things settle down.  Thinsg are not as awkward as we finish our meal, and discuss things that would bring the suiter into the conversation.  He isn't very talkative, reserved,  and a bit concerned looking as he silently tries to figure me out.  Thankfully there were no attempts to "one up" or hints of machismo.  No questions either.  He mostly looked at his beer, or her. 

She leaves for the bathroom.  The bill arrives.  I pay.  He and I share small talk about where I am from, what he does for a living.  Short, to the point answers from him.  Long rambling answers from me.  We leave the restaurant, I shake hands with the suiter, and prepare for a short hug before moving back into the real world. Instead I receive a long, almost too long, bear hug from her. 

She insists that I visit them at this party on Sunday for the football game.  I say, "Three or so years from now, okay!" thinking I'm being light hearted.  "No, the one this weekend," she replied with a perfectly serious demeanor.  I sigh in my head, and mutter to myself, "It's a joke, lighten up."  Perhaps she misunderstood.  We part ways, her and the suiter up a few blocks to the movies, I make my way a few blocks down back to the office. 

An ugly Wednesday morning, but the day promises to be interesting.  Drinks with friends after work in the city, one of which happens to be a rather interesting young lady.  Work, I imagine will be more or less productive.  My concentration however, will be consistantly hampered by thoughts of this evenings activities as well as dinner tomorrow night with an old flame... that one old flame we all have had, the one that is somehow able to capture a piece of you and doesn't let go.  3 years it has been since we laid eyes upon eachother, and 5 or so years total since we were involved.  And it's taken just about that long to be able to get past comparing every girl I meet to her.  Although I can't fool myself, something in me still longs for what I can't have.  Reality settles in and I understand that I can control myself and my emotions, I am not a victim.  And I want to see her again, and rekindle that friendship which existed before the rest of it followed.

Sigh-

It's been a while... finding the time to write is often very difficult for me.  I go through phases, much like anyone else.  But here I am, sitting at a Kinko's and feeling the need to write.  About what?  I dunno.  Perhaps about the sense of anxiety that seems to have washed over me this morning as soon as I woke up.  Or maybe it's my feelings of lonelyness and a desire for simple, non-judgemental companionship.  Or maybe it has to do with the number of people from my past who have surfaced in the past several weeks and months.  Whatever the case, I need to write.  Writing gets it off my chest, it expresses my thoughts and feelings and gives me a way to sort through the muddled mess that sits in my skull.  I write in a journal, when I feel like it.  I haven't been doing that as of late, more or less because I don't want to regurgitate what it is that I have been thinking about all day.  I simply want to forget about it all instead of rehashing it on paper.  The only problem is that these thoughts and things bottle up inside of me, and have no way of getting out. Until, now.  Until, here. 

My mind and body has welcomed sleep over the past week, with such ease.  It is a welcome respit from the difficulties I had in the months prior.  Partially stress related, and partially because of the dog waking up in the middle of the night, but also due to an intense desire to not go to sleep.  I have been experiencing intense dreams, some pleasant and some not so pleasant.  Old flames, conflict, night-time, day-time, searching, enjoying, companionship and frightening chases.  My dreams have touched on a wide spectrum of themes.  I have been told that dreams are a way for your mind to deal with issues not explored during the waking hours.  I have been doing a lot of writing, meditating, and searching to calm my nerves and to address the cause for an ever present sense of anxiety.  Magnifying events and examining actions, thoughts, emotions.  All in an attempt to better understand myself.  Perhaps I am uncovering a few things I haven't realized. Maybe I'm on the edge of a giant cliff, ready to take the plunge into self-realization.  From what I can tell, and from recent experience, it doesn't happen all at once.  Sort of a gradual thing.  Sudden epiphany is rare.  At any rate, peaceful sleep continues.  It is no longer the dreaded side-affect of my journey.  

Here's a little something I've learned recently ... everything changes.  We change physically, mentally and spiritually over time.  Not only that, but our expectations of the future rarely turn out the way we would like.  So left with constant change and the uncertainty of the future, life looks pretty scary at first.  But when we accept that things change, realize our expectations only limit us and  realize that clinging to people, things, the past or even the future will eventually cause us pain, it is time to live in the present and take in all that we can now. 

It's taken 26 years to figure that out, but I'm glad I did.  There are a lot of people who don't, and wonder why they are so miserable.  So many people I know have had it all planned out.  School, car, marriage, family, job, house.  And after they have acquired all of these things, once they check off each item on their list, once they get to the part where they are supposed to feel satiated because, after all they have everything they are supposed to want.  Then they realize that their expectations do not jive with reality.  All of their life, they have expected that happiness follows the acquisition of these goals.  Or perhaps something doesn't quite measure up to their expectations.  Insecurity follows now, and happiness takes a break.  That's when people start to explore other avenues for happiness, other ways to escape the reality of their situation.  Because, simply put, reality sucks.  It isn't what they expected.

I know things are no where near what I expected them to be when I was younger.  And how could they be, I was a little kid in my own world.  How could a 9 year old predict 16 years into the future?  It's rather absurd when you think about it.  And yet, those expectations were at times more real than reality.  Why?  I think it has to do with an ever growing desire to hang on to things.  To grasp at life and feel as though we have made sense of it.  Almost a way to pretend like we have figured out the meaning of life.  It gives us a sense of purpose in our own little heads.  These expectations provide a foundation, something to hold on to.  When that foundation crumbles, when something happens to shake you to your core, when we figure out that what we have been yearning for, and working so hard to achieve has not brought happiness, or when we ultimately realize how unstable life is, and how these expectations are erected to make our own selves feel safe, that's when people can sink or swim.  I think that helps explain where mid-life crises come from, why some folks turn to alcohol or drugs, and why others get depressed so easily.  Escaping from the ultimate reality of their situation, running from something, anything.

I've been running from a lot of things.  For me, it's time to stop. 

Couple of things...

1. It's snowing outside!  And a lot more than that wimpy snow we had just before turkey day.
2. I want that Google thing to visit me!  I've seen it on other peoples pages, and I want the google guy (or gal) to say hello.
3. Fondue and random kung fu movies aren't a bad combo.